Feelings

A couple of people, including my wise husband and good friend Richard, warned me that I would likely experience a wide range of emotions on this journey. They both talked about the highs and lows, the feelings of loneliness, the desire to speak English etc. I agreed with them and although I was intellectually aware, the experience itself has been quite profound. It is really not something you can prepare for or even avoid... at least, that's been my experience.

As I've mentioned before, I was very excited and nervous when I first arrived. I was elated that I could even make it from one end of Paris to the other to catch the right train on time. Small victories were and continue to be important. Fortunately, my host Patricia, has been a godsend and she has been very patient. However, I find myself getting extremely frustrated when I can't understand what she is saying to me or when I can't find the words to express an idea or a thought to her (or anyone else for that matter). What's even worse, is when I use the wrong word or verb tense when it is something I do know and then I get really mad at myself. Another frustration is my inability to hear - words in French often sound the same to me so I can't make out the context. Sometimes I just wish that I could have a meaningful conversation with someone in French, but I just don't have what it takes yet, to have anything more than a simple short conversation.

I feel quite isolated at times too. Although I might be with a group of people, I don't understand what they are saying and I can't participate in the discussion.  My age is also a bit isolating, at the school anyway. Most of the students are very young with different interests than me. Trying to acquire another language requires an inordinate amount of concentration. One has to listen attentively to every word spoken in class and out to try and grasp the meaning. It takes a lot of energy and I find that I'm really tired by the end of a day. 

Everything came to a head at the end of last week. I was feeling very low thinking that maybe, just maybe, I will never be able to learn this language regardless of how hard I work or how long I stay here. When you start to doubt your own capacity, you can get pretty discouraged. Then, after whinging to my family and good friends, I found myself coming out of this "blue funk". They sent me examples of similar stories, positive affirmations, funny videos and emails and words of encouragement.  I can't tell you how much that buoyed my spirits. Thank you! With all your support, I decided that this week was going to be a good one and that I would stop beating myself up. I can only do my best. To paraphrase a quote, from Thumper I believe, "If I don't succeed this time, I can try, try again".  Who knows, I might be here again same time next year! 

Advance Warning: When I return to Edmonton for a visit at Christmas, I may not be able to speak or understand this language much better than when I left. You might consider lowering any expectations.